Sit, Breathe, Feel, then Keep Going: What to do When Things Fall Apart
In this blog, Grace reflects on one of life’s most tender truths: things fall apart.
Our upcoming book club will be centered around When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön. Grace will be leading this quarter’s conversation, and in this blog she offers a heartfelt introduction to the practice of staying present when life feels heavy. Drawing from her years of teaching yoga, studying holistic health, and living the work she shares, she invites us to sit with our fear, grief, and uncertainty — rather than run from them.
Consider this your first step into the conversation. We can’t wait to gather together, sip tea and continue exploring these themes in community.
Life can be challenging… duh. For many of us, this may feel like the understatement of the century. Others might disagree, saying their lives are beautifully fulfilling (at least currently). Either way, the point is this… In life, there will difficult and challenging moments. But fret not, dear friends. For we will also experience boundless joy and exhilaration! However, our biggest hurdle will always be to overcome the very human tendency of dwelling on things that feel heavy.
Anxiety. Fear. Grief. Pain. We know these emotions well. We run from them, with every ounce of our energy, in our attempts to escape what they have to show us. But why? Because society teaches us that these emotions are ‘bad.’ If we allow ourselves to experience these emotions, then we are insecure, weak, or vulnerable. Instead, we should suppress those feelings, push past the pain, or suppress our anger. “Why feel bad when we should feel strong, happy, and powerful?” Just let it go! Well, that is easier said than done.
When life feels chaotic or when we struggle with accomplishing our goals, we tend to question every choice we have ever made. Not to mention when we lose those who we love. Like clockwork, we react with an internal battle against our emotions. (At least it feels that way.) We look around and think, “Some things just never change,” or ask the question “What happens now?” We can even risk losing ourselves completely if we do not have a way to address those thoughts. So, what can we do when life feels heavy and things fall apart? Simply put… We sit, we breathe, we feel everything… then we keep going.
There it is. The practice of noticing what we feel and how we respond when those tough moments arise. That is the real work of living a present, compassionate life. What exactly does that look like? Well, it is safe to assume that running away from or squaring up to our anxieties and fears only leads to more turbulence. We simply cannot stuff our grief and pain in a box and ignore them. Pema Chodron, Buddhist monk and author, describes this poignantly in her work When Things Fall Apart. She writes, “No one ever tells you to stop running away from fear. We are very rarely told to move closer, to just be there, to become familiar with fear… [T]he advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means, make it go away.” She continues, “Curiously enough, if we primarily try to shield ourselves from discomfort, we suffer. Yet when we don’t close off and we let our hearts break, we discover our kinship with all beings.”
No, instead the work is to develop an intimate and loving relationship with the parts us that are the hardest to acknowledge. Her guidance is to sit with the emotion and let ourselves fully experience it. To be enveloped by chaos, heartache, anger, rage, and pain. That is how we step fully into ourselves and into our dharma, true nature. Because if we do not fully integrate with all of ourselves, then we are destined to remain attached to the suffering. “[T]he real transformation takes place when we let go of our attachment and give away what we think we cannot.” If we can sit and notice, breathe and feel everything, without judging ourselves for the thoughts that come through, then we can connect fully with the present moment. We can then “discover a space, a break in the chatter, a glimpse of open sky… the wisdom with which we were born.”
“Insurmountable,” we think. Impossible even! There is just no way we could ever do that… On the contrary, we can in fact overcome those mental obstacles. Yes, it certainly takes practice and patience, but we can cultivate both. Eventually becoming real discipline. How? We start by noticing. The practice of connecting to our bodies, noticing our thoughts, and coming back to our breath. This action allows us to be fully present during our most challenging times. Allowing us to live an awakened and aligned life. We cultivate a mind that sees clearly and a spirit free of suffering.
But what if we get distracted? What if someone breaks our heart or we get overlooked for that promotion? What if the world continues to feel sharp and prickly? Chodron reminds us, “if we become drawn away by thoughts, by longings, by hopes and fears, again and again we can return to the present moment. We are here… When one thought has ended and the other has not yet begun, we can rest in that space. We train in returning to the unchanging heart of this very moment.”
The saying, “no matter where we go, there we are” comes to mind from Pema Chodron’s writings. It serves as a wonderful reminder that the path is the goal. Whether we have been on the path for years, we have just begun to explore the work, or we have yet to consider those first steps, we can agree on that truth. No matter where we go, we are only ever right there. Not in the past and not in the future. Right there, smack in the present. Look, we all know we are living in challenging times, and our paths feel incredibly hard some days. That said, we also know how to address those tough days. We tap into that discipline, that personal wisdom we have cultivated, then we invoke the work. We sit, breathe, feel, and notice everything. When we do that, our worldly thoughts and emotions cease to rule over us. We then awaken ourselves to the beauty and joys of this life. We connect to a primordial energy innate within us, move in alignment with our true self, and live our dharma… even when things fall apart.